


Derived By Fools

by My_Dear_Watson



Series: Locked Out of Eden [4]
Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: F/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-11-14
Packaged: 2019-06-22 12:26:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,278
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15581982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/My_Dear_Watson/pseuds/My_Dear_Watson
Summary: During-Bunker and Post-Bunker oneshots from the New Divide universe.Chapter 1: John and Nic's son reaches a milestone. It's John's fault, and he's mortified. Sharky thinks the whole thing is hilarious.Chapter 2: When a conversation with the Ryes gets John to be introspective, Nic brings out the big guns to distract him.Chapter 3: Cal sees a stranger at  the Ranch, John gets his brother back and gets answers to questions that have plagued him for eight years.





	1. The Power of a Different Word

**Author's Note:**

> A handful of you asked, and I delivered because again, I'm a glutton for validation. Again, some of these are Tumblr prompts, others are just one-off ideas I had that fit in with New Divide without being a direct sequel.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cal reaches a milestone, John is mortified because it's his fault, and Sharky thinks the whole thing is hi-fucking-larious.

Sharky Boshaw was confused as all Hell when John Seed plopped down in the chair next to him in his area in the dorms. They had just ended their shift on rationing out food (even after two years, Sharky was the only one who trusted John enough outside of Nicolette and Earl to stay in a room alone with him). Once they were done, they’d usually go their separate ways. John would never actively try to be in their room unless both of them were heading in to sleep. Even stranger-  the man had come bearing a couple of beers.

John had wordlessly offered one of them to the man and put his feet up on the crate Sharky had used as a table. “So, anything new with you?”

“We just saw each other ten minutes ago, John,” Sharky replied.

“Things could’ve happened.”

“We live in a bunker. Life ain’t that exciting.”

“There’s never a dull moment with you,” John countered.

Sharky squinted at him and folded his arms over his chest. He could admit he wasn’t that bright, but he could tell if someone was getting skittish from a mile away. And John was skittish and then some at the moment.  “Do you want somethin’?”

“Can’t I just check in on a friend?”

“ _Are we_ friends?” Sharky asked.

“I’d like to think so,” John replied.

“Oh, now you really _are_ fuckin’ with me, Man.” Sharky turned back around.

John stared at him, then sighed. “I am trying here, Sharky.”  

Sharky narrowed his more. “You called me Sharky.”

John blinked at him. “That is your name, is it not?”

“Yeah, but you call me Charlemagne out of spite,” Sharky pointed out.

“Well, maybe it’s time that changed.”

Sharky stared at him again. He looked away in order to look out the doorway for a moment. No, their were voices outside, no one seemed panicked- John most likely hadn’t done anything to harm anyone. And, if the older man was honest, he knew he’d probably be on the top of John’s Maim or Murder list. He blinked a couple of times. Considering how odd the man was acting, even for John Seed, that thought did nothing to ease his nerves.

John held out the beer after a few seconds. “Thought you might want this.”

“What the fuck are you bribing me for?” Sharky asked before he could stop himself.

“I’m not bribing you, Sharky. I’m trying to be a friend, here.”

“Bu-”

John shrugged. “Alright, fine, guess I’ll find someone else who wants the beer-”

“Don’t you dare. Get over here,” he took the bottle when John held it out. After a beat, he frowned. “Wait. You ain’t baitin’ me for uh… a repeat of Nic’s thirty-second birthday again, are ya?” God, that had been a fuckin’ day. The Ryes had the kids for the night so Nicolette could ‘let loose a bit’, the three of them were drunk, they had somehow ended up having a lighthearted conversation about sexual exploits in college- and Sharky’s life in general, which led to a game that was part Never Have I Ever, part Truth or Dare that would make Addie proud, and it had ended with Nicolette admitting she missed being adventurous, and then within minutes, the three of them were back in their room, door locked, clothes flying every which way, and on a mission to make it to the bed. They had woken up the next morning and after Nicolette had ensured that the turn of events hadn’t made everything weird, she and John and she and Sharky and all three of them together were still all okay, they had all agreed it was a one time thing and it was never going to happen again.

It did. Three times. And there were probably going to be more.

John, who had opened his bottle and gone to drink immediately choked on the edge, apparently caught up in the same memories. “No, no, that’s not it.”

Sharky beamed. “So there is something you want!”

John opened his mouth, then shut it.  “Is it so hard to believe that I’m trying to make friends?”

“Johnny-”

“Don’t call me that-”

"You just accidentally admitted there was something. Come on, if you’re friends, you can tell me.”

John sighed. “Whatever. I’m only in here for an alibi, anyway…” John admitted quietly.

Sharky squinted, then something seemed to dawn on him and he pulled a face. “Aw, come _on_ , man. Tell me y’all didn’t fuck in the mess hall again and don’t wanna get found out-”

John huffed. “Why the fuck does everyone just immediately assume all we do is fuc-“

“Have you met yourselves?” Sharky countered.

John opened his mouth to respond, then firmly shut it when they heard Kim walking down the hallway, not far away. Her voice carried from a near distance away- she was using her Kid Voice, so John and Sharky figured that she had little Carmina, Cal and Tommy in tow.

John ran a hand through his hair. “You're probably about to get your answer...” he muttered. 

Sure enough, Kim came around the corner looking fairly concerned, and ushered the three children into the room. 

Sharky, nearly oblivious, took to focusing on Cal first instead. "Short-Round!" he called in greeting and immediately scooped the boy up.

Kim looked from Sharky, to Cal, to John. “We’ve got a problem,” she pointed out.

“Everything alright?” John asked Kim, a little too smoothly. He looked at Cal, trying to give the boy a once over for injuries as low-key as possible, but Kim had caught on after a mere second. “Hey, Buddy. You havin’ fun with everyone?” he asked.

Cal beamed, then, as proudly as a three-year-old could say: “Fuck!”

The three adults immediately stilled.

Sharky looked from Kim, to John, to Kim again, then back to John because he realized John hardly looked as scandalized as he should’ve. And then it hit him. John had _just mentioned needing an alibi_. Sharky himself had mused that John had disappeared for the ten minutes between shifts. He spent most of his free time with the boy. Cal certainly didn’t know that particular word earlier that day, and he had used that special, ‘just-discovered-this-word-and-it-makes-the-grown-ups-scared’ tone that kids used.   _Oh. Shit._ This was better than when he learned that Cal’s first word was “No”, much to John’s chagrin and everyone else’s delight at the weird sort of karma that came from that. “I’M TELLIN’ NIC!” he called before he practically threw Cal into John’s arms and bolted out the door.

“You’re doing nothing of the sort!” John called. He immediately shoved Cal back into Kim’s arms, ignored the woman’s disapproving sigh, and bolted after him. “BOSHAW!”

“I knew I wasn’t Sharky to you!” Sharky countered. He turned the corner towards the radio room and went to charge. But of course, two years in a bunker with a relatively new and improved John made it easy to forget the man was still some secret beast when it came to agility and strength. No string bean of a man like him should have the power the former Herald did. He had barely made it a step into the new hallway before John had tackled him to the ground.

It was probably a terrifying sight to the three people they had passed as the chase went on. The observers, probably feared the worst when it came to the one doing the tackling. However, they only stopped to watch, then sighed and moved on with their lives when John rolled off of Sharky after he tackled him and made no motion to harm him further. 

Sharky couldn’t help the delighted giggle that still bubbled up in his chest, even if he knew he was caught. “How did _that_ happen?”

“Cal wanted to come with me to put the extra rations back. I slammed my finger in the door when we were leaving. I muttered it, the kid heard it and then repeated it, he didn’t say it again when I told him not to, so I just got him back to school. Thought it would be fine. Clearly it’s not.”

Sharky laughed again. “Man, I thought it was gonna be me he was gonna learn it from, but you? Even _better_.”

John snarled and John smacked him upside the head.

“What is going on?!”

The pair looked up to see Nicolette walking around the corner, no doubt drawn out by the sound of her husband and best friend arguing and then the giant crash- and then the sight to behold of them tangled up together.

Both of them immediately pointed at the other man and launched into a rant in their own defense.

“Enough, stop it!” she waved her hands, and both men immediately went silent. “What. Is this. About?” Nicolette asked.

The pair opened their mouths again.

Kim came around the corner with Cal in tow, saving them by sheer accident.

“MOMMY!” Cal called and launched himself at her.

“Sweets!” Nicolette beamed and picked him up. “I missed you. You have a good day at school?” she asked.

“Yeah!” Cal nodded eagerly, then reached up to pat her cheeks. “Guess what?”

“What?!” she said overenthusiastically.

“Fuck!” he shouted, matching her enthusiasm.

Nicolette practically dropped him. “What? Honey, no, we talked about this-”

“It was an accident!” John blurted, then stopped short. “Hold on, you talked about _what_?” he asked as he untangled himself from Sharky.

Nicolette opened her mouth, shut it, then sighed. “I… might have said… _that_ when I had him when I was on radio duty the other day.”

John stared at her, then immediately let out the giddiest laugh Sharky had ever heard come out of the man. He immediately swooped over to kiss Nicolette firmly before he gave Cal a sloppy kiss on the cheek, much to the delight of the boy.

Nicolette looked between them. “What?”

“It wasn’t me,” John said matter-of-factly.

She sighed. “So, you too, huh?”

“Sharky had his suspicions he’d teach the kid some choice words, too,” John pointed out, though he sounded guilty.

Nicolette sighed. “It’s _us_. He was gonna learn it sometime.”

“Would be nice if he could stop saying it so loudly,” John countered, more directed at Cal towards the end than anything.

“He is _your_ son,” Nicolette replied.

“You’re the one that introduced him to the F-Bomb,” John argued.

“And now you’re not gonna let me forget it,” she nodded.

“Absolutely not. Until he learns the next curse and starts yelling that, too," John agreed. 

“Which is probably gonna be very soon, knowing us,” Sharky added.

“Cost of the alternate definition of a ‘nuclear family’ that the Collapse started,” Nicolette agreed, then laughed when the men groaned.

Kim looked between the lot of them and sighed. “You guys are so, so weird.”

“Nah, just expecting the inevitable,” Sharky replied.

Kim opened her mouth to protest, then put her hands up. “You guys are on your own after that.”

Nicolette shrugged, then turned her attention back to Cal. “Hey. We’re not gonna say that word anymore, right?” she bumped his forehead with hers.

“Right,” Cal nodded.

She booped his nose and set him down. “Now go find Boomer, he probably wants to play.”

“Okay!” Cal nodded, the immediately hurried off.

“… The other two are gonna know ‘fuck’ within a day,” John mused.

Kim nodded. “Carmina already knows it. My Nick let one slip a while ago." 

“So for all we know Cal could’ve picked it up from him or momma,” Sharky offered hopefully, then laughed. "So much for Eden being all pure and innocent and shit, it’s gonna get inherited by the foulest-mouthed buncha kid’s the world’s ever seen,” Sharky mused.

There was dead silence from the others, and to everyone’s surprise, John was the first to break it with a laugh. The others joined in after a moment.

Of course, they all went silent again when they heard Cal in the distance, apparently changing course from wherever he was wandering and go “Mister Jerome! Guess what?!”

“NO!” John and Nicolette called and immediately bolted from the hallway to go stop Cal.

Sharky snorted. He had never been so happy to not have kids in his life. Still, Cal made Nic and John happy and kept the latter distracted and on a good path enough that he was never going to revert to his old ways.

Being honorary uncle to two out of the three kids was exhausting as all Hell, but he’d never have it any other way.

The fact that watching them grow up with those parents was the funniest thing in the world didn’t hurt, either.


	2. High Above the Ground

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When a conversation with Nick sparks John getting introspective, Nic brings out the big guns to distract him. 
> 
> Prompt was "what, you've never seen a grown woman cry over mac and cheese", "pinning me against a wall, you couldn't think of something more original" and "if you play that song one more time I'm army rolling out of this car."

 

When little Carmina Rye’s eighth birthday rolled around, it had been a wake-up call to all of the adults that the Collapse allowed for very little when it came to celebrating a child’s birthday. Still, Nick was determined to throw the best party the New World would ever see, so he had gone as all out as he could. Most of the county had been invited. He had made the point ‘you don’t gotta bring anything, just try to make it the best day ever for her.’

Not one to do arguably nothing for her favorite (and only) goddaughter, she was determined to give the girl _something_. After searching for ages, she had managed to scrounge together some wood nails and paint, ruling that she was going to make a dollhouse. The finished product had come out lopsided in a few places, but it would work, function well, and it was the thought that counted, damn it.

John had come through by venturing to another bunker in the Valley where some of the residents’ including the Ryes’ old things had been dumped after he or his people had stolen them. He had found a few dolls from an early raid to go along with it, and then had found an old knit blanket that had in fact been meant for Carmina around when she was born. Whoever had made it had made it large so it would grow into it with years to spare into her childhood.

When they had shown up at the party with the gifts, Carmina had been ecstatic, more so about the dollhouse, naturally. She had immediately tugged Nicolette and Cal over to the side to play with it.

John had been left behind with Kim and Nick, considering they were far more interested in the blanket and the fact that John had been willing to risk opening old wounds in favor of bringing it.

They had explained that Nick’s mother had made it for Carmina, and she had passed not long after Carmina was born- just missing the Collapse by some miracle, even if the event itself was hardly one. Still, the sentimentality and the gesture were immense to them. Nick had yanked John into a long, quiet-but-loaded-with-emotion bear hug in response. Even Kim had joined in, but upon feeling and sensing John’s still-very-much-there issue with physical affection from people outside of his own family, she had backed up, patted the small of his back a couple of times and relented. It had taken Nick a solid minute extra to catch on.

After Carmina had roped Cal and Tommy Stone into playing with the dolls and dollhouse with her, the adults had gone into the Rye home- which had also remained in relatively good shape since the Collapse and was just about back to normal after repairs.

After a few minutes, Nicolette had seen Nick and Kim having a hushed conversation in one corner, muted by Sharky and Addie talking about how Xander had almost blown up the Marina because he had brought a match too close to a gas tank while drunk the previous week. She had given them a concerned look, and once Nick caught her watching, he merely winked and waved his hand dismissively before wandering over to John, who was in the opposite corner, talking to Jerome. Whatever he had said got drowned out by the other two again, and she watched curiously as Nick led him into the kitchen and of view. She hadn’t expected to miss the openness of the place before they had to build walls to support it, but the suspense was killing her.

There was a series of metallic clanking every once in a while and Nicolette had wanted to investigate, but Sharky had looped an arm around her shoulders to relay the time that they had shot down a Chosen plane and it had gone straight into a shrine, sending the ‘whole damn thing up in the biggest fuckin’- _shit_ , language- shit, I did it again- SORRY- that you ever did see.’

It had been another few minutes before some smell that Nicolette couldn’t put her finger on wafted in from the other room. Kim came out after a few more minutes in order to get the kids to come inside.

And then the big question got answered, because Kim and Nick came into the room with a cake, and John trailed behind with a bowl of mac and cheese.

The kids merely shrieked in response, oblivious to the fact that everyone else was dead silent after seeing the mac and cheese, torn between laughing or not. They had all heard the ‘watery mac and cheese’ story. But this batch hardly looked watery at all.

Nicolette personally focused on the positive. They had included John after everything. The Ryes were making an effort to rebuild bridges. John was making an effort to atone for all his wrongdoings. Also, they had fucking made legitimate mac and cheese, which they hadn’t had in years and good God, she had missed it. She couldn’t wait to see how Cal liked it.

John caught on to the strange looks. “It was _Joseph_ who made the batch from the barbeque,” he pointed out, but not without humor. Some mix of emotions passed in his eyes for a moment.

It took Nicolette a moment to realize just saying the other man’s name probably brought him back to weeks ago when Joseph had shown up at the Ranch, getting Cal’s attention from afar in order to bait John into leaving the house to investigate and discovering that his brother had found a way to a bunker, survived and wanted to change things. The confrontation had almost gotten ugly, and John had lost sleep over it for a week.

She sighed, sidled over to him and took the bowl out of his hands. She passed it over to Addie, who seemed to put together that there was something only they knew that was bothering him, so she took over serving. Nicolette wrapped her arms around John and planted her chin firmly on his chest. “Hey. You good?” she leaned up to kiss him for good measure.

John sighed into it, then nodded. “I’m good,” he confirmed. He watched her for a moment and noticed her eyes were glossy side- and had been the second he had come around the corner. He stepped back in order to sit down in the chair behind him and pulled her down with him. “Are you?”

“What, you’ve never seen a girl cry over macaroni and cheese before?”

“Not at all,” John answered.

“Yeah, well, macaroni and cheese usually isn’t literal, an old favorite that the world’s prevented you from having for years. Or, ya know, a metaphor for you and the rest of these guys all in one.”

John scoffed, though there was no animosity behind it. “What’s with you, Whitehorse and the metaphors?”

“Dunno. I just get it from him.”

He scoffed again, then bumped his nose against hers in a show of affection that had everyone staring.

Hurk, however, was the only one ballsy or stupid enough to ask. “So… can I ask how this happened? Like how y’all went from tryin’ to kill each other to bein’ all in love n’ shit? ‘Cause all the people who weren’t in the know got was that ‘Joseph’s the Actual Snake’ video and like… word a’ mouth stuff.”

Addie snickered behind her glass of water. “Well after Joseph went and betray him I imagine the turnin’ point was their little rendezvous at Landsdowne. I mean, what could’ve been going through our girl here’s head other than ‘pinning me up against that wall and fucking me, John, you couldn’t think of anything more creative’?!”

“ _ADDIE_!” Nicolette objected over the mixed reactions of uneasy embarrassment or enjoyment- first and foremost in her brain was naturally Earl choking on whatever drink he was in the middle of taking as he finally found out the answer to the question about Landsdowne’s importance in their lives that he had wondered about for years.

“I’m right though, aren’t I?” Addie teased. “I mean, after all that cat and mouse you two boned against a wall. And from what I literally heard it was just a quickie. Sounded awfully vanilla to me after the weird piny shit you two got up to.”

“ ‘We’, hm?” John countered quickly, fully ready to change the subject by small tangents bit by bit if he had to.

“Oh, honey, you were her-" she heard the kids yelling outside, closer to the window than before, "uh... 'F’ in our game of 'F', Marry-”

“Addie!” Nicolette repeated and threw an empty can at the woman for good measure.

John, however, finding an opening to avoid getting too deep into their history: “Oh, _was I_ now?”

“You were everybody’s… “ she looked around for the kids. “ _F._ Even Addie’s, for good measure. And Sharky’s, for the record. _And_ Grace’s-”

“Mother or not, I can and will kill you,” Grace cut in from the back of the crowd.

It was enough to break whatever awkwardness had started up between everyone. The rest was broken when the kids came barreling down the stairs, with Carmina, donned in her grandmother’s blanket tied around her shoulders like a cape, chasing the boys. She was yelling about being ‘Super Rook’ catching the bank robbers.’

Cal was very determined to make the point that ‘Super Rook’ was actually his mom so he would ‘get out of jail’ quickly.

Nicolette immediately joined in the chase, citing that ‘two Super Rook’s were better than one.

Cal had been absolutely delighted at the betrayal.

By the time sunset rolled around, most of the crowd had dispersed, and the Ryes, Raylans, Jerome were the last ones left, crowded around the fire. Each family got one of the chairs, large enough to accept them because Nick had been determined to make adirondack chairs larger than the ones that had been at Johns ranch.

John had risked making a joke about Nick compensating for something, and Nick had come back at him by simply motioning at the Yes sign on the horizon.

It had started off as shooting the shit with everybody about current issues before they were all a couple of drinks deep and itching to share memories from their time before the Collapse.

After a while, Nicolette had fallen asleep, leaning on John’s side and Cal was out cold draped across his chest. Carmina was curled up against Nick’s side, about to nod off herself, and the two men were just enjoying the peace of the night. Kim and Addie were on the other side of the yard, coming up with a joint travel business to get things back to normal again.

It occurred to John that in that moment he was the happiest he had been in a while, his heart so filled with love he hardly knew how to process it.

 _Rescue me from all my sins, let me not be derived by fools_ . He had lived by that once. He was desperate to hate the woman who had forced him to quote it- to make it a mantra. The same woman who let him in; who let him love her and be loved by a monster. He had thought _he_ was the fool once after spending a while thinking _they_ were the fools. He had fought tooth and nail against the love in his heart disguising itself as lust and begrudging respect. He had been right the first time. She and the others had been the fools. And they had rescued him from his sins. His heart ached in the best way and pulled Cal closer in response to ground himself.

Nick caught the look and smiled weakly. “Never thought this would’ve been a thing that happened after all this, huh? All of us sittin’ around a fire, enjoying each other’s company? Letting our kids hang out together? _You_ _havin_ ’ _a kid_. With the _Deputy_.”

 _Deputy._ It had been so long since he had heard that title said with such reverence. He had almost forgotten about how that was a constant in his vocabulary back then, spat with venom seeping from the word each time.

And now here the object of such strife was, curled up against him- his wife, mother of his child, his other half in so many other ways than just sharing their sin.

He hummed in agreement. They sat in silence for a while before Nick broke it again. “You ever miss it? Life before the Collapse?”

“I didn’t have much of one before these two, so no.”

Nick gagged dramatically. “Don’t let Kim hear that, she’ll never think I do or say anything romantic ever again.”

“I think she’d understand.”

Nick squinted. “Hold on, you were rolling in money and you don’t consider that much of a life?”

“Nicolette never told you…?” John asked.

“Told me what?” Nick asked.

John exhaled sharply. She hadn’t gone blabbing about his life to anyone. There had been no sympathy gained from his history. He had earned his spot back with them, too. “I… wasn’t sober enough to remember most of the ‘good things’, and then… before I was ‘rolling in money”, well, let’s just say I wish I could forget.” He looked down at his family. Even after all these years he couldn’t wrap his mind around that word. “I owe all this to them…”

Nick hummed after a moment of dead silence, then leaned back. “You’re alright, John. Never thought I’d say that, but… Hell, you ain’t who you used to be.”

 _Thank God_ , John agreed, though he kept it to himself. After a while, he sighed. “After all this time, I’ve never apologized to you.”

Nick looked uneasy for a second, “For what?” he asked, though it was clearly more a question on what single item on a list of many he was apologizing for, rather than playing stupid.

“I… there were…” John sighed. “There are things I did back then… if I could go back, I wouldn’t change them. I’d do them again. I was… trying to make all of you see reason, to see things our way, regardless of whether or not what Joseph said ended up being true-”

“Yeah, well, look who ended up being right in the long run. That’s on us.”

“No it’s not. You were protecting your people,” John argued, then sighed. “That’s not- I meant… during… this one’s Atonement, I threatened you. I threatened your wife and unborn child. I didn’t… know, I didn’t understand… not until this. And I… I would die if anything happened to them, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. Including you back then. So… that’s… if it’s one thing I’m gonna apologize for, it’s that.”

Nick stared at him for a while, then shrugged. “Well, I don’t think I could ever exactly forgive you, but you’ve made up for it by now, Partner. Just don’t fuck it up and relapse.”

“I’d rather die than do that,” John assured him.

“Yeah, well, don’t do that either, it’ll break Nic’s heart, and if that happens I’m obligated to bring you back to life to beat your ass back to death,” Nick countered.

“Deal,” John agreed.

Nicolette stirred and lifted her head from John’s shoulder. “What’re you roping my husband into, Nick?”

“World domination, then space travel- and space domination. Why, you want in?” Nick asked.

“Well, I mean I am the one with the resume citing taking control of an entire county,” Nicolette pointed out.

“We helped a little,” Nick teased.

“Teeny bit,” Nicolette digressed. She stretched. “We should get going. Gotta see about those new police recruits soon.”

“You mean Rook won’t be Rook for much longer?” Kim asked as she and Addie ventured over to them.

She shrugged. “Can’t be the new girl on the block forever.”

“But you’ll always be our Rook,” Addie pointed out.

“I just threw up a little in my mouth,” Nicolette replied playfully, then untangled herself from John. She gave Cal a couple of pokes on the back as she went. “Hey, Little Man…”

Cal stirred, then blinked up at them.

John grinned. “Ready to go, Buddy?”

“Do we have to?” Cal asked.

“We’ll see them in a couple of days. They’re not far,” John insisted.

“What’s in it for me?” Cal asked after a moment.

John scoffed. “You’re your mother’s son, alright. How about… a race to the car?” John suggested.

“Deal!” Cal agreed, wide awake at the promise of the game, and immediately launched himself off of his father and bolted, headed for the pickup truck on the other side of the yard.

“Cheater!” John called before hopping up to chase after him.

“There’s him being his father’s son,” Nick mused.

Nicolette beamed, and then with a quick goodbye to the rest of them, headed for the truck. By the time she had made it, Cal was already rambling on about his victory in the race, and John was giving him that same patient, loving, _prideful_ look he usually did any time Cal did one of his rambles.

She got in the driver’s seat and started up the truck, beaming away when Cal leaned forward to give a play by play of just what he had done to ensure he won the race. Apparently John’s leg had _just happened_ to cramp up a couple of times- John had hidden his answering smirk behind his hand at just how hilarious Cal had found his father’s _completely accidental_ blunder.

It didn’t take much of the short ride home to have Nicolette notice just how quiet John had been once he had turned back to look at the road, though. He was clearly lost in thoughts, but troubled all the same. She had seen that look on him several times- first and foremost when he had first tried to get a confession out of her. She reached over to turn on the radio to provide another distraction, and immediately regretted it.

“ _-keep us safe, he’s gonna march us right to Eden’s gate, Oooh-_ ’”

Not the worst happenstance when a radio turned on with a terribly timed song in her life, but not the best either. She glanced John’s way to see the man did drift out of his thoughts, only to look murderous. “John-”

John lunged for the comm radio in the corner, turned to a different channel and leaned in.. “Wheaty,if you play that song again I am rolling out of this fuc-   _car_ , and if the impact doesn’t kill me I’m coming to-”

 _“Easy, man! It was an old playlist, I don’t know how that happened, I swear! The second it came on I’ve been looking for something to switch it to_.”

“Get. It. Off.”

“ _Okay, Okay!_ ”

The line went dead, there was a horrible electronic crackle sound from the car radio, and it immediately switched to Bad Moon Rising.

John groaned, then shook his head. “Thank you.”

“You got it.”

The other line was silent, so John slipped the radio back into its holster.

Nicolette sighed. “Sounds like it was an accident, it’s not like he did it on purpose. You wouldn’t have known it was even on if-”

“I just didn’t need that reminder of back then after today.”

She frowned as they pulled up towards the main driveway of the Ranch. “Did Nick say something?”

“No, he didn’t. Well, he did, but… not against me.”

She sighed, letting the rest of the ride go in silence until she parked the truck up front.

Cal, upon seeing that Uncle Sharky had been back for a while, Cal tore out of the truck, ran over and launched himself at the man.

Sharky, ever the perfect uncle and former stand=in father, caught him around the middle and brought them both falling to the ground, laughing and insisting ‘aaah, you got me!’ all the while.

She watched them for a while until she realized John still hadn’t moved. She looked back at him.   _“Talk to me.”_

“It’s nothing,” he murmured.

“Hey.You’re the one that said no more lies.”

“Nick and I talked about… before. I just thought about what could have been if some meddling Deputy didn’t decide I was going to be a bargaining chip is all.”

“Ooooh. Been a long time since I’ve heard that word come out of your mouth.”  

John scoffed weakly, then sighed. “I would’ve been half dead or worse… thrown on the ground _again_ , and... “ he was cut off when she leaned over to kiss him, and as per usual he melted right into it.

She pulled back. “Yeah, well thank God for the Tree Incident.”

He scoffed again. It was true. Things had changed with them because of a fucking tree.  Because she had fucked up and gotten stuck- a new angle on their cat and mouse game- she was the cat that literally got stuck in a tree- but counted on him rescuing her just to play to his one person audience- her. She had manipulated the shit out of his interest in her that she had known about, and he had fallen for it. And that event had stayed his hand in killing her just as much as it had hers the second she tackled him to the ground on that hill and screamed at him to stop rather than shooting him in the chest like she should’ve.

He had never really thought about it like that. He owed being alive wholly to Nicolette, but that damned tree was partially responsible, too. It was saying something that the damned tree had managed to stay standing in those seven years after the bombs. It was singed to all hell and dead, but still there, ever resilient. There was another metaphor in there somewhere, too. Now Earl was influencing _him_. He didn’t mind in the least.

“Now, do I get my husband back, or do we have to tell Sharky that he’s on babysitting duty until I knock some sense into you?” she touched her forehead to his.

“I wouldn’t be opposed to other methods of convincing,” he pointed out.

It was her turn to scoff. “You know that I know you’re deflecting, right?”

He sighed, then with some difficulty maneuvered her over to him so she was in his lap. He kissed her. “I love you.”

“Still deflecting.”

“Still love you,” he countered and leaned in again. He rolled his eyes when she drew back and pressed her fingers into his lips to silence him.

“You ended up worth it. Don’t ever doubt that.”

“I owe you my life,” John pointed out.

She smiled. “And I don’t intend on collecting. So stop thinking for once in your goddamn life.”

He sighed. “Fine,” he agreed. Then, wordlessly he looped an arm around her, opened the car door and got out, holding her to him.

Nicolette let out a noise that was half alarm, half protest. “Right, because this is entirely inconspicuous.”

“Cal’s not gonna understand, and Sharky’s seen it and partaken enough to know what we’re about to be up to. So I like the babysitting plan,” John countered. “And I have to go thank my wife for my life, anyway.”

“ ‘Can’t think of anything more creative’ to say?” Nicolette countered, parroting what Addie had made her hypothetically think earlier in the day.

“Never heard a complaint out of you yet.”

They crossed the yard, waved off Sharky’s very knowing grin and eyebrow waggle as they made it into the house.

Once they got into their bedroom, John practically tossed Nicolette onto the bed. She laughed in response, then met him halfway when he moved to kiss her again. He pulled back after a few moments and got lost in thought again when she offered him a loving look. He wasn’t sure if it was the booze or having thought about the time before the Collapse earlier, but now everything wa in a different focus. Part of him had always loved his Deputy in some way shape or form since he had escaped his bunker the first time. But she was right, everything had changed in the span of minutes over a stupid mistake, and when he thought things had gone to shit, when Eden’s Gates had been closed, he had mourned the loss of one life but gained _so much in a new life_.

He was barely aware of her running her fingers through his hair before she resorted to tapping him on the forehead to gain his attention. He snapped out of it.

“What happened to no more thinking?”

John risked looking apologetic before he leaned in again- only to be pushed back lightly. He arched an eyebrow at her.

She sighed. “Alright, fine. Try this on for size, considering there’s no getting through to you otherwise tonight. Was gonna tell you this in a few days but now you clearly need the distraction. You sir, need to stop with the angsty introspective stuff because we’re gonna have another life around here before long, and I can’t have all that negativity around when we do.”

“‘Another li’…?”  John trailed off. Realization set in, doing exactly what she had counted on the news doing. He glanced down at her abdomen, then back up to her.

She beamed. “You’re gonna be a dad again.”

He blinked at her a couple of times, then immediately crushed his mouth to hers quickly, before the questions started piling up in his brain and he had to pull away to ask them.  “How far… when…?”

“Couple of months, so… if I’m doing the math right, our little uh… visit to the Yes sign.”

“... Addie is _never_ finding out about that little detail. Or that _that_ happened.”

“Oh _God_ , no.”

“I’m gonna be a father again…” he murmured. His heart clenched. She was pregnant. They were going to have another child. Cal had turned out to be the best accident in his life. And now another miracle in its own right had happened. And this one was more or less planned, they were actually together and not on the brink of _something_ that was still dotted with hatred. They were continuing the New World, helping it’s future. His family was going to grow. He was near beside himself. And then it hit him. The second moment of clarity in his life. He was _in_ love, had people _to_ love, and he _was_ loved. And he was _happy._ This was pure, unadulterated happiness. The thought that Joseph was right again drifted into his head, but even that didn’t deter the absolute high he was on. It had taken him the better part of nearly eight years to realize it, but that’s what that feeling in his chest was that he couldn’t put his finger on because it was just short of unrecognizable. He had been robbed of it for so long, and here it was, staring him in the face. And just like he had on the kitchen floor all those years ago, he _laughed_ \- but now it was for an entirely different reason. The _best_ reason. Unable to articulate anything else, he pulled her into another kiss.

_Derived by fools, indeed._

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



	3. Sinner

All things considered, life after the Collapse was… decent. The people were decent, even optimistic- even the remnants of the Peggies who were going off of Joseph’s mystery orders just before his death had played nice. When John and Cal had been out checking in on the Stones they had run into a trio of Peggies that John had recognized. John had been ready to fight immediately, his only concern being how the Hell he was going to get Cal out of danger. But the Peggies had just greeted him, kept what could only be described as a calculated,respectful distance away from the boy, and been on their way. 

Two encounters with downright cheerful Peggies later, John was starting to get suspicious.They were entirely too happy for people that had been told to kill him one day and then leave him alone the next. If Joseph had been truthful about that, anyway. 

Of course, after a few weeks of not seeing any Peggies, John had almost forgotten his worries. So one day when things were too quiet, he should’ve seen… something strange coming. 

The moment John woke up, he knew something was wrong. Repairs on his ranch were slowing down now that most of it had been rebuilt or repurposed, so the sound of people doing manual labor outside because they didn’t understand the phrase “wait for us” had just about ceased, save for a couple of woodworkers around the place. But that morning, there had been absolutely no sound. The bigger clue that something was amiss: Cal hadn’t come in and leapt onto the bed to wake him or Nicolette up. He sat up slowly. “Cal?” he called. 

“Yeah?” came the boy’s reply. 

It eased John’s nerves that the response was immediate and sounded like it still came from Cal’s room. but the fact that the boy was distracted enough to stay put instead of running into the room like he usually did still made him worry. He dressed quickly and headed into Cal’s room. The boy was huddled by the window, staring out at something. 

John went to him and immediately pressed his hand to the boy’s forehead to check if he had a fever for good measure. The first time his son had gotten sick after their arrival outside the bunker still stuck out fresh in his mind. He had been absolutely terrified it was some sort of radiation poisoning back then, and that fear still never left him. It had just been a passing virus then, and the boy felt fine at that moment. 

“Dad!” Cal whined and swatted at his hand. 

John leaned over to drop a kiss on the top of his head. ‘What’re you looking at?” 

“There was just a guy outside,” Cal reported. 

John stiffened. “Guy? You didn’t recognize him?” 

“No. Everybody usually waits for Grandpa Earl or Uncle Sharky. That man just put something on that post out there and waved at me.” 

John looked at the post that Cal pointed to. He couldn’t see anything from their spot, and he wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. Cal wasn’t  one for making up stories himself for the Hell of it. He inherited his parents’ flair for the dramatic, but that was about as far as it went. The fact that Cal didn’t know the person set off about ten different alarms in his head. They had encountered Peggies in the months since they got back to the Ranch, but apparently Joseph’s post-Collapse orders had called for a clean slate- no fighting, just repairs: physical on the land, figurative with its people. No war, no stalemate, just people finding their way through Eden uncontested. So the fact that this  _ man _ had just dropped something and left was suspicious enough. And then there was the rumor coming from the north that… no, no, he didn’t dare go there. But the nagging possibility had already crept into his bones. He squeezed Cal’s shoulders.  “What did he look like, Bud?” 

Cal squeezed his eyes shut and grimaced- his usual ‘I’m thinking and I want people to know’ look. “He was skinny, his hair was kinda long-” 

“What color was it?” John cut him off. That could’ve been anybody, he kept telling himself. 

“Brown but kinda grey, too.” 

_ No. No, no.  _ “Did you see any tattoos…?” John asked, then, far more guarded than he would’ve liked:  “Like mine?” he finished. He didn’t want to give Cal too much information. His son was an observant little thing who was smarter than even he knew himself, and he was bound to… work out that something was most likely… off with just what the tattoos meant. 

“Maybe? I couldn’t see.” 

John closed his eyes and sighed. The description could have matched about seventy percent of the men left in the county, so there was a good chance it wasn’t Joseph. But it wasn’t a confirmed no, either.

Still, he needed to investigate. “Stay here,” he ordered. He ruffled Cal’s hair, then left the room. He went out the door beside the room and went down the ladder for good measure. He went to the gun crate hidden in the corner under a bush, retrieved a pistol and moved out. He made it over to the post Cal had just pointed out- and his blood ran cold. 

Joseph’s rosary was there, draped carefully over the curve of the wood. 

“No” became a mantra in his head. Joseph had sounded perfectly content with dying in the Collapse, being made an official martyr. How had he survived? Was it even him? Who would be so cruel to toy with him like that after everything? Even Mary May had come to tolerate him- he had worked so hard on leaving everything behind, so why be cruel now? What was this?

He snarled and ripped it from the wood. 

“What’s that?” 

John startled at the voice until he realized it was Cal. He turned sharply and gripped the boy’s shoulders again. “I told you to stay put.”

“Yeah, but-” 

“No buts. Go back inside and wake your mother up. Tell her I was right the day the Collapse happened,” he ordered. “And tell her to stay put until Uncle Sharky gets in.” 

Cal frowned. “Dad…?” 

John squeezed his shoulders, having noticed he was already starting to shake. He had no idea what this meant. If Joseph would be friendly, if he would be his big brother, or he was there looking for trouble and their lives were in danger. And for the first time in years, his heart ached for the only good part of his childhood- when he and his brothers were young and carefree and looked out for each other without any ulterior motive in sight. Just brothers staying together and loving each other like they were supposed to. And then the darkness creeped in, wondering if this was going to be his end if Joseph had come with ulterior motives- if the Voice had called for another holy war. He flinched. The Voice. He hadn’t thought about that in years either, save for a few concerned moments any time he’d wake to Nicolette dealing with another one of those dreams. He forced himself back to the present and sighed. “ _ Callan _ , listen to me. Just do this. Please…” he sighed, then pressed his forehead to the boy’s. “I love you. So much.”  It could’ve been anything he would find once he went looking. He knew it could end badly, so he’d be damned if the last things his son heard from him were not words of love.

“Dad,” Cal repeated. 

“ _ Go _ ,” John countered. 

Thankfully, Cal knew better than to challenge his father after he used that tone. He frowned one last time, then headed back for the house. 

John watched him go and waited an extra couple of minutes to make sure Cal hadn’t lied to him before he went deeper into the woods.

He made a quick circle around the easily accessible area and found nothing. He pushed on and followed the old path down to where he had done so many Baptisms in his old life- where Joseph had sewn the seeds of the end of that life and his life had started anew with the very woman he had every intention of drowning. God, how things had changed. How he would’ve ruined everything in one fell swoop- literally. 

He had meant to stop at the shore since it provided the most open area, do another scan and see if he could find any traces of a hint at where the intruder had come. 

Instead, he found the intruder. 

He found  _ Joseph. _

His brother was leaning on a nearby tree, like this was normal, like he wasn’t back from the dead, or hadn’t been in hiding for eight fucking years. Like it didn’t prove his older brother hadn’t abandoned him again. 

John wasn’t sure whether to vomit or try to kill the man on sight. His brother was back. His last blood relative wasn’t dead, hadn’t been incinerated in the Collapse, he was living and breathing and standing there in front of him. He opened his mouth and shut it. 

Joseph looked at him. “I needed to see you. I imagine you’re angry.”

And just like that, the scales tipped more towards that very thing in John’s head. “An… Angry?” he repeated, then, bitterly: “did the Voice tell you that?” when Joseph opened his mouth, John advanced on him. “No. No. You don’t get to talk your way out of this. You don’t get to preach. You. Listen!” he snarled. “You left me to die. You left me for this!” he swung his hands out. “All I knew was abandonment and you knew that. I lost you twice as a child, and then you chose the Voice, chose your people over me and cast me out of our family over this,” he waved his hands around. “And then you show up, say you did it out of love, and now you show up after eight years and say you needed to see me?!” he blurted. 

“I abandoned you because I finally saw your better path,” Joseph said after a moment. “Do you remember? I saw your death so many times, you fell to wrath so many times… yours, or someone elses. You died young each time. You died in my arms, you died alone… and then I saw the path where you died old. And you were with the Deputy. You loved and were loved. Would you really think I wouldn’t want that for you?” 

“I don’t know, Joseph! I don’t know because you made no effort to make anything clear to me before all this.” 

“And I’m here to remedy that,” Joseph explained. 

“You’re… about eight years late for that.” 

“And I’m sorry for that too.” 

“Sorry,” John repeated and scoffed again. “You were dead. I thought you were dead. We had communication everywhere, why didn’t you contact me?!’ 

Joseph looked down. “It doesn’t seem like you would’ve listened anyway.” 

“I might have! You didn’t bother checking! You abandoned me  _ again _ !” 

“And I regret that. I… wanted to give you time to live, time to adjust.” 

“To life without you?” John demanded. 

“To Eden,” Joseph replied. 

John scoffed. “We call it the New World. I’m still here after you shut me out.” 

“It was the only way to get you to go with her,” Joseph pointed out. 

“Even after hearing that I’d die by my own sin? You thought being slain by Wrath was an okay thing to leave me at?” 

“There were two paths. Wrath was one, yes, but you weren’t Wrath towards the end…” Joseph replied. 

John shook his head. “Enlighten me, then.” 

“Pride. Your shared sin with Nicolette… Pride. Slain by Pride because you died in your old age, happy.  Proud of your love. Proud of your family. Of him,’ Joseph motioned towards Cal’s window. “He’s beautiful, by the way.” 

Even as John realized that made perfect sense, he had just ripped open old wounds and was back to swimming in that same distrust and betrayal, so the fact that Joseph had just turned his attention to Cal sat with him all wrong. “You don’t get to talk about him.”

“I needed to see your family as much as I needed to see you. I needed to see what you’d become.”

“So you lured me out by getting his attention.” 

“It was the only way that didn’t end in violence.”

“You  _ used _ my son,” John spat. Just like that, the temper John had strained to keep under control for years since they were in that damned bunker was torn asunder all at once. John was on him in a second, fists curled into the man’s shirt. He shoved Joseph against the nearest tree, so quick he was pretty sure Joseph’s head connected with it for a second. “MY SON!” he repeated.  He could feel that old bloodlust, the  _ wrath _ that he hadn’t tapped into for seven years start to surface in him. He snarled dangerously and shoved Joseph away. He let out another disbelieving laugh. “Only you would come up with that,  _ justifying _ making me feel abandoned and used and making it all make sense, and then come back with admitting you used my son for your gains. You’ve not changed at all.”

“Do you think so low of me?”

John scoffed. "You don’t have the best track record, brother. You left me when I was a child- it wasn’t your fault but you didn’t make an effort to even tell me you were out there. No letters, no nothing. You made me believe you were dead. And then you found me, you gave me my life back, you made life worth living again, and then you abandoned me again. After all I did for you and your fucking Project, all in its name.  And then you came back, tried to welcome me back and the world ended, and we got this," he motioned around wildly, "And then you survived and  _ didn’t think to find a way to contact me for eight fucking years.  _ That’s not much to go on,” he countered. “Was it worth it? Breaking me three times? Are you proud of yourself that all you wanted to do was protect the Project, protect  _ Eden,  _ and we both ended up here in the end.”

Joseph looked down. “I only ever had the best intentions, John. It may not seem it, but I love you. I do. Back then, you just needed the right push… and as much as it pained me to go about it as I did, I needed to. Because I couldn’t see you destroy yourself anymore. I saw a version of you happy and full of life and love and I wanted that for you, no matter the cost.”

Tears sprang to John’s eyes. His heart ached from the admission and from how many directions it had been tugged in. “Leave.”

“John…”

“Please, Joseph…” John murmured. “This is… just… a lot.” 

Joseph nodded after a moment. “I have a radio set up. Frequency sixteen,” he offered. “I won’t return unless you wish me to. Say the word and I won’t seek you out again.” He looked back at the house, smiled softly and looked back to John. “I love you, and I am proud of you, even if you don’t believe it now.” 

John looked away- anywhere but Joseph- and made a point of not responding. He heard Joseph leave and waited until his footsteps gave way to silence. John felt his knees hit the ground before he had even registered they had given way. 

There was another set of footsteps from behind him, but those were far more familiar. 

“John?” Nicolette asked. “The Hell was that?” 

“That… _that_ was Joseph.” 

“... What?” 

“My sentiments exactly.” 

 

* * *

 

In hindsight, Nicolette really should’ve seen the fact that John wasn’t as okay as he had insisted he was earlier that day. It had been a week since Joseph had shown up at the Ranch, expecting him and John to talk things out. It had obviously gone badly, where John had unloaded about thirty years of baggage on the other man in the span of five minutes, Joseph may or may not have threatened Cal’s life, and then Joseph had left as quickly as he had arrived. 

Okay, so thinking John was honest about how he was handling another traumatic experience in his life was _plain stupid_. 

Things had been… tense since then. When she had found John kneeling on the ground looking completely and utterly lost, she had asked him what had happened, and he had told her Joseph had paid a visit and given him news about his motivations for leaving him the last time. He, justifiably ha been beside himself, and she had to half pull him back to the house.  Something else had been addressed, she wasn’t stupid, but he had rather obviously left it out and she didn’t want to pry. But it was enough to make her regret that they hadn’t exactly touched on what happened in his and his brothers’ past since they were on opposite sides and she was his prisoner in his bunker. 

But… they weren’t exactly a conventional couple. Considering their history, and how they had really only become a thing because of a near death experience and adrenaline high that ended with them fucking, then fighting growing feelings and then dealing with the Collapse and its aftermath, deep conversations about their pasts weren’t exactly a priority. They had found love for each other in the present and were determined to keep it that way for the future. Hell, she had only heard rumors about what he had gone through in his childhood aside from what he had told her back then . He had never elaborated, and she knew better than to ask. 

John’s walls had come up after the confrontation with Joseph. He was almost like his old self, just watered down. He was quick to anger, impatient, snippy- he had even started to isolate himself from the others- including Cal, which had visibly broken the boy’s heart. It set her off enough to finally call him on his bullshit. 

It had ended with a particularly vicious argument between them, and in true John fashion, the man had gone with the most dramatic conclusion to it as possible- “if I’m such a burden to you and everyone else, do yourself the favor and leave, Wrath.” 

It was a childish, petty move, even if it was probably projection from whatever conversation John had had with Joseph. She had told him so before she had stormed off to give him space as well as cool off herself. 

They had spent the rest of the day avoiding each other and refusing to speak or so much as make eye contact for more than a second if they absolutely had to be near each other.

By the time 9pm rolled around she had gone up to their room, ready to sleep the rest of the night away and deal with the drama in the morning.

She found him in the hallway, leaning on Cal’s bedroom door and staring across at the opposite wall. She assumed he was still going for dramatics, so she crossed her arms over her chest. “Playing dirty and not letting me see my son now?”

John blanched in response, and her heart sunk when he sent her a half panicked, half unsure look the next moment. He reached for her with both hands, and a knot formed in her stomach at just how delicately he took hold of her waist and pulled her closer to him so he could press his forehead to her hip. 

“I’m sorry. I love you. _Please_ _don’t leave_. I love you. _Please_. I can’t lose you too,” he murmured. 

And there went her heart the rest of the way. She tapped his cheek lightly. “Hey, I’m not going anywhere.” She swallowed hard when he exhaled sharply and his grip tightened on her, so she moved her hand so she could tilt his chin up and force eye contact. “What knocked some sense into you?” 

John tensed again, then let out an even heavier sigh and tilted his head back enough to indicate the door behind him while keeping his cheek firmly in her hand. “ _ Our _ son thinks  _ our _ fight is  _ his _ fault.” 

Nicolette frowned. “What?” 

“Remember the other day when he didn’t want to help me with getting the new set of crops planted? 

“Yeah.” 

John nodded. “He thinks we were both upset about that. He’s afraid we’re fighting because we have too much to do and he’s ‘not pulling his weight’- his words, not mine.” 

Nicolette flinched. Cal must’ve heard the conversation that Jerome and Earl had had the other day about certain slackers around town and how to try and get them motivated to pull their weight. “Shit. Did you talk to him?” 

“No.” 

“Why not?”

John looked away and scoffed, though there was a shine to them that there hadn’t been seconds ago. “Because I only ever heard that everything was my fault when I was a kid. I don’t know how to explain to  _ my own fucking son _ that he did nothing wrong and the fight has nothing to do with him. Any time I try to think of the words, they just end up empty, or…”

She stared at him for a while. “Oh, Baby…” 

John grumbled at the petname, but it didn’t stop him from leaning into her when she looped her arms around him. She took his hands and gave them a tug in order for him to stand up with her. She opened the door into Cal’s room and pulled him in with her. She couldn’t help the grin that crossed her lips when the second they got in, Cal scrambled to turn off the flashlight he was holding over a book. “Caught you!” 

“Oh. hi…” Cal began. 

Nicolette laid down next to him. “So. Dad tells me that you think we had a fight because of you.” 

Cal looked away, then shrugged. 

“Hey, look at me. Look at  _ us _ ,” Nicolette instructed. When Cal listened, she ruffled his hair. “We’re not mad at you. At all. You didn’t do anything wrong, okay? Dad and I were mad at each other because… well, grown-up stuff. It had nothing to do with you. We might… be angry at each other and accidentally  take it out on you, but we don’t mean it. It’s not okay, and if you thought we did that, we’re sorry.” 

John's heart broke when Cal gave him an uncertain look. He immediately sat next to him. “Mom’s right. I…” he sighed. “Remember that man you saw a few days ago who waved to you?” 

Cal nodded. 

John scooted closer. “That man’s your uncle. You don’t know him because… well, grown up stuff again. We were… friends a long time ago, before you were born, but some bad stuff happened, and we’re not friends anymore. And that... “ he trailed off. “It hurts a lot, and sometimes being sad can turn to being mad, and… I took it out on you and your mom. Neither of you did anything. I was wrong, and I’m sorry. I can’t promise it won’t happen again, but I’m gonna try to make sure it doesn’t, because I love you and never want to make you feel bad. Now, you’ve got nothing to apologize for because you didn’t do anything. Do you forgive me?” 

Cal looked away, then looked back immediately and nodded. 

John all but crushed the spitting image of his younger self to his chest. “I love you,” he repeated, then kept repeating it with kisses to the boy’s cheek that grew messier and messier with each phrase until Cal was squealing with delight and wiggling to get away. He had tried to press against Nic to avoid them, only to squeal again when she joined in. 

He dove under the covers to evade them, and they stood up so he could get settled agan. 

“Hey, Dad?” Cal asked. 

John turned back to him. “Yeah?” 

“Are… are you ever gonna be friends with that man again?” 

John stared at him for a while, then sat down beside him again. “I don’t know, buddy. Maybe. But that’s for me to decide. You don’t worry about it, okay? You’ve got Uncle Sharky, Uncle Hurk… those two are enough to last you a lifetime. Don’t worry about it.” 

“... Okay.” Cal nodded. He scooted under the blankets and John tucked them in around him before he dropped another kiss on the boy’s forehead before pressing his own forehead to it. “I love you.” 

“You said that already,” Cal pointed out, grinning all the while. 

“And  _ I’ll keep saying it _ ,” John replied. “Now, get some sleep.” 

Cal nodded and turned around. 

John got up again and left the room with Nicolette trailing behind him. He shut the door once they were both out and exhaled sharply. 

“Hey, you did good.” 

“ _ You _ did good. I just… reiterated.” 

“Sometimes that’s all it takes. I… I only ever got it from one parent, never the other. Hearing it from both would’ve helped me a lot… if both sides meant it, anyway.” 

“I wouldn’t know either way,” John murmured. 

Nicolette sighed. “Come on. We need to talk.”  When he tensed again, she took his hand. “Come  _ to bed _ , John. This was the eye-opener for this one. I’m done fighting. We’ve fought enough for a lifetime.” 

John hummed in agreement, then let her lead him back to their room. He was hardly surprised when she tugged him the rest of the way inside, maneuvered him to the bed, laid him down on it then stretched out next to him. 

“Talk to me?” she requested. 

“About?"

“The Joseph mess. That’s what all this was about.” She poked him in the forehead. “What’s going on in that head of yours?” 

“A lot. Just… Joseph, what we used to be,  _ how _ we used to be. And now I let that get in the way. I promised you, him, and  _ myself _ I wouldn’t be my parents, and I just…” he trailed off. “I was just my parents and that’s terrifying.” 

Nicolette rested her chin on his chest and waited. 

John looked down at her. She seemed perfectly content to just stare and wait for him to elaborate. “You already know. I told you-” 

“As an intimidation tactic, and it was one story  _ years ago _ ,” she countered and eased herself further against him when he ran a hand up and down her side in response. “You’ve woken up from nightmares about it, you kind of got into it the day Cal was born, and you exploded on Joseph about it. I was fine leaving well enough alone, but… if you want to tell me, you can.” 

John sighed. “You don’t…  _ I don’t  _ want to get into it,” John replied. 

“I think it’s safe to say you can’t use that defense anymore,” Nicolette pointed out. “If you’re worried about turning into them on  _ our  _ son, I need to know.”

“You first,” John countered. When she raised an eyebrow at her, he tilted his head. “I remember the conversation we had when you said we had abusive fathers in common. You never elaborated, and I didn’t ask.” 

“I thought you knew. Or Nancy told you.” 

“No. Joseph, Jacob and Faith dug for information. I liked people to come to me with it. We never got a chance. You want mine, you give yours first.” 

“A confession for a confession,” Nicolette mused. 

John had the decency to look guilty about that particular comparison. Still, he responded without much hesitation: “If that’s what it takes.” 

“Fine,” she sat up. “I was the ‘maybe a baby will fix our marital issues’ baby, but… it just made them worse. My father was a bully, liked knocking my mom around and I for years. I put up with it for years, until  I was fifteen and my teenage rebellion kicked in. One night, I had enough. I literally got in the middle of an argument. Father Dearest didn’t like that. He knocked my mom out cold to make a point to me and went to strangle her, I jumped on him, by some miracle I knocked him down, then… well, went a little overboard and smashed our lamp over his head to make sure he was out cold… guess I was Wrath back then, too…” she smiled weakly when he let out a breath’s worth of a laugh, but then suddenly looked distant for a moment before he went out of his way to look attentive. “I called the cops… got Earl as the first responder. I uh… the first thing I did to him was lie, though. Said I needed air. I just wanted to punch my father in the face again, and I did. Earl doesn’t know that I saw that little smirk he had when I did it, though. Thinks that’s why he took a shine to me. And the rest is history,” she finished. When she was met by dead silence and John simply watching her carefully, she leaned forward. “Your turn.” 

John inhaled sharply. His eyes went blank for a while, immediately miles away in all but body. He finally spoke, and unloaded it all. His childhood, his birth parents, his father’s abuse, his mother’s ignorance is bliss approach until she actively didn’t care, the fire, separating from his brothers, the shred of hope he had for his life, that same hope crashing down and disintegrating to ash once the Duncans showed their true nature, that night in the kitchen, the birth of “Yes”- he spared the minute details for his own sake, but he was still shaking by the end of it. It felt like ages had passed but it had been a matter of minutes, tops.

When he was silent for a while, Nicolette stroked his hair. “Well, that wasn’t  _ your _ fault,  _ either _ . I promise. It… might’ve set you up for what you did do, and what you are responsible for, but not that. You just got dealt the worst hand imaginable. That’s on them. Not you. Never you. And if you think that what you did with Cal amounts to that in any way, you’re wrong. Hell, you avoided us for that reason, right? That’s proof enough. I never doubted that you love Cal, and you’re gonna love these two just as much,” she insisted and took his hand to lay it over her stomach. 

John glanced down at it. Twins. He still couldn’t wrap his head around it. Twin girls, no less. He had no idea how to raise girls. And if they were anything like their mother, they were going to make Cal’s early childhood seem like a cakewalk. He looked back up at her. “I don’t deserve you. Or Cal. Or those two.”

“You really,  _ really  _ don’t,” Nicolette agreed. “But, the Universe has got a fucked up sense of humor, and here we are.” 

John pulled her closer again. “Well, that only took us eight years.”

“Hey, trusting someone with that takes time, and… we’re complicated. And since when have we done things in the proper order as a couple?” 

“Fair point.” He leaned over and buried his nose in her hair. “I love you.” He still needed to say it out of sheer fear that she’d still try to leave after all of that. 

“I love you too.” 

John smiled softly again, but it faded quickly. “I might have to talk to him again.” 

“Of course you do.” 

John had expected pure refusal or sarcasm. That… had sounded entirely genuine  and understanding. “You’re okay with that?” 

“... I’m not thrilled, I’m worried for your and our kids’ safety, but…  I’ve said it before. He’s your brother. You two need each other whether you like it or not.” She leaned into him. “But also I’ll kill him if he tries anything.” 

“Not if I do first.” 

“Deal. Now sleep. And you’re spending the day with Cal tomorrow. Whatever he wants to do, you do. It’s only fair.”

“Deal,” he chorused before he settled down. She seemed appeased, so she shifted to get more comfortable. It was a few minutes before he felt her breathing slow as she fell asleep. He was fairly relieved that she hadn’t stayed up with him because he had a feeling she knew he wouldn’t sleep. He  reached up with one hand to stroke her hair and ran his other hand along her stomach. Pride welled up in his chest, and it gave him enough pause to remember Joseph’s comments about Pride and just why he had cast him out and whether or not it was a ploy. Still, he wondered if  _ this _ , him happy and surrounded by family, was one of those visions that the Voice had shown him of him living because he had opened his heart. 

He couldn’t really fault his brother for wanting this for him and causing heartbreak if this was the endgame. They were all ‘the ends justify the means’  people.

Alas, if it was even true. The fact that he wanted to know just about killed him.

It was enough that he lost sleep for a few days all over again, until curiosity and a fair bit of heartache got the better of him. Two weeks later, he picked up the radio, switched the frequency to sixteen, inhaled sharply and spoke: “Joseph. You want to talk, let’s talk.”


End file.
